Defining moment that made me sub?

i was recently asked what the defining moment in my life was that caused me to be sub...this question gave me pause. i am not sure i will ever know the complete answer to that question...

i know my love for pain in sex comes from my childhood sexual abuse...my grandfather began molesting me when i was three years old and first raped me when i was five...the strange sensations of experiencing the severe pain from the rapes and the pleasure that came with the oral sex and fondling he performed on me created a weird connection between pain and sex for me. i recently met a sub named v. and had the opportunity to ask her if she had been sexually abusd as a child..she had as well and said that she thought most subs have been--i agree with this although many subs do NOT wish to acknowledge or discuss it...i am glad that v. was open with me about her abuse and i am glad i felt safe enough to share with her that i was abused as well.

i also know part of the sub desire in me is wanting to feel safe and cocooned in a relationship...non D/s people may not understand HOW a person could possibly feel safe and cocooned in a D/s relationship, but in a perfect D/s relationship it is VERY possible...knowing that my Master would be there to MAKE me care for myself if i stop exercising or slip into my depression, would FORCE me to move past fear and intimacy problems i might have--just knowing that i will be called out on any B.S. i put up as a defense mechanism--THAT makes me feel safe and cocooned. Is it possible to have that feeling and have someone who cares enough to MAKE me do what i need to, who is NOT a DOM?? i hear that it is--i am not sure i have ever SEEN an example of that, but i hear that it is possible--LOL.

another part of being sub for me is a desire to keep myself in a sub-woman status in my mind...that may sound strange to many--even sounds strange to me...but i do not FEEL like i am a woman...i feel like i am a fairy trapped in a woman's body--LOL...Fairies jobs are to go around granting wishes, pleasing others and as a result have control and order in their lives which lets them live peacefully...sub does that for me...i am able to know that i am a good sub when my Master tells me how much i have pleased Him and feel confident that He will not discard me for another day...that gives me security in my life...peacefulness. Is it nerveracking when i purposely or accidently displease my Master? YES! Very, but often i am much harder on myself about things that i do or that happen than my DOM is..i will mentally berate myself for days for things that past DOMs have simply given me three lashes for and went about their day---but that anxiety about having displeased my Master helps me to stay in line more...frequently, i do have to back up a little and not let myself become skittish and fearful of displeasing my Master though. If i become like that then i feel like a caged animal and want to either curl up and surrender or fight like crazy to get out...i struggle with that. Master is good at recognizing the signs that i am going into that place and pulling me out of it before i crumble.

Soooo, of course once again i have no easy answer to these questions...

slave s.