Cutting

i am a cutter...i have not cut on myself in years, but i still crave it, still think about it often. i first purposely cut myself when i was in the sixth grade...just a single cut to my left inner arm, not even very deep--just enough to draw blood. i was fascinated by that cut, but knew if anyone found out that i had done that intentionally to myself, i would be in trouble. i didn't cut again until high school--i think i cut a total of five or six times in high school--on my left upper thigh. i got serious about cutting in my early twenties...life was in chaos at that point--my job was horrible, my relationship with my partner a mess, my relationship with my family strained, i had just bought a house and was ridiculously stressed at the responsibility--cutting centered me. i could retreat into the bathroom with my serated knife (i always preferred a serated knife--i could FEEL them more--exacto knifes, razor blades, sharp paring knives--they all just sliced through so smoothly that i didn't feel the cutting) and choose a location for my next cut. Sometimes i would slice quickly on three or four spots--shallower cuts that would bleed but not scar. Other times, i would focus on one cut--making it as deep and painful as possible, watching the blood flow for as long as i could keep it flowing...the two different types of cuts affected me in different ways--the quick, shallow cuts released anger--if i was angry, at myself or anything else, i would use the shallow cuts. When i felt numb, closed in, dark--i would make the single, deep cut...going into a kind of "trance" throughout it and feeling more alert when finished. Needless to say, i have a deep affinity for cutting. i have put only three cuts on myself since i was 24--each time i gave in to cutting because i wanted to FEEL...

i would love to include cutting in my D/s life--in four DOMs/DOMMEs, i have only had one (my first, the DOMME) who actively encouraged me to cut. The paramedic was not open to it if he had anything to do with it, but i don't think he would have cared if i cut myself. The third DOM i ever played with, was fine with me cutting myself and was looking into branding me...and then there is my Master--my true DOM...he has ORDERED me to NEVER cut..THAT is hard--by forbidding it, cutting becomes very enticing...but my Master seems to know that allowing me to begin cutting will start me on a slippery slope back to regular cutting. Depending on my desires at the moment, i either adore my Master for this hard line to cutting or feel irritated that He doesn't seem to know how GOOD it would feel...but even in irritation, i appreciate that His reasons are sound and right.

i will not cut, my Master--not for myself, but for you.