So THIS is real life D/s?!?!?!

i am now in my first real life, not-just-sex, D/s relationship and i honestly feel like i could explode from the ecstasy and bliss i feel from it!

Master Todd is an amazing man...He has these incredible eyes and way of looking at me...making me feel like He is reaching deep into my heart, my mind...it actually bothered me the first few times we were together because i have never had ANYone show that much interest and desire in knowing me before...i felt exposed, vulnerable and raw when He would look at me initially...i LOVED it and HATED it at the same time...really struggled with wishing He would be a jackass DOM so that i could just dismiss Him from my heart and focusing on submitting sexually. Master Todd will NOT let that happen! He would rather i submit to Him emotionally, over sexually ANY day..granted we BOTH love the sex! LOL But, if i were to withhold emotionally from Him, i know that we would never enjoy sex like we do, i would never enjoy submitting to Him as much as i do, and quite honestly, i don’t think there would be a future for us. i have a lot of intimacy and trust issues and tend to withdraw or remain distant emotionally—finding it quite simple to sexually submit since i easily disconnect emotions from what my body experiences…well, usually i do…with Master Todd, i like Him SO much, feel so safe, so loved, so wanted that I find it VERY difficult to push down emotions…i am grateful that He refuses to allow me to revert to my old habits of pushing down any emotions i have and just submitting sexually...i am glad He REFUSES to allow me to sexually service Him at times when He knows i am using it to avoid expressing feelings i may be having.

With Master Todd, i am thoroughly enjoying ALL aspects of submission—i LOVE making Him a cup of coffee, LOVE cooking for Him, LOVE helping Him around the house, LOVE just serving Him in daily life...with other DOMs, i have resented expectations of submission outside the bedroom…not that there ever was much opportunity for submission other than sexually in those relationships…but i never WANTED to serve them other than sexually…just didn’t care enough about the other DOMs to do so. With Master Todd, i CRAVE it…

Being with Master Todd makes me a better sub, a better person and the only reason for that is because He is such a good Master, such a good man. i really feel blessed and privileged (and more than a little undeserving!) to have Him in my life.

Slave vs Sub

i recently had a conversation with a woman about the difference between being a sub and being a slave...this is often a hotly debated topic in th D/s world--just recently a sub/slave/bottom forum i am on had a hotly debated posting about just this topic...

the woman i was discussing this with and i have the same Master...He calls us His slaves...how she and i view that title is where we disagree. i feel that Master is being kind and complimenting me when He calls me His slave...to me it is like He is saying "I believe you have the capacity to fulfill my needs and desires" and i LOVE that He is willing to call me His slave...but i do not feel i have EARNED that title in terms of referring to myself. Yes, i will call myself Master's slave, but i always refer to myself as a sub...i am not GOOD enough, sub enough to categorize myself as a slave. i guess the best way i can explain it is like this...let's say all animals in the cat family are born the same but all also COULD become a LIONESS versus just a housecat if the individual cat works hard enough to, now in the family of cats, let's say the LION of the pride is pleased by a housecat and decides to take the housecat as a member of His pride...He may refer to His housecat as His lioness--a sign of the level of responsibility, love, commitment, a sign of how precious the housecat IS to the LION...does that immediately turn the housecat INTO a LIONESS?? no...but the housecat is DEFINITELY in a better position to BECOME a LIONESS with time, training, and the LION's patience.

she seems to think that someone is EITHER a sub OR a slave and that i am disrespecting my Master by referring to myself as a sub rather than a slave....if my Master was to ORDER me to refer to myself as a slave, i would immediately begin doing that...i do not think He will though because i think He understands that submission is a process, a journey that i hope to improve along the way on...someday i will refer to myself as a slave versus my Master's slave...some day i will be submissive enough for that...until then, i am thrilled to have a Master who wants me to become that person and sees a potential in me that i sometimes struggle to see.

So that is my two cents worth!

slave s.

A Tease--the end

Continued from previous postings..

i lay there, on my back, secured both to the headboard with handcuffs and to a spread bar at my feet--the way He was touching me, teasing me--i just wanted Him inside me...FINALLY He granted this..loosening my legs fromt he bar so that i could lift them up and back, He got between my legs and put His cock in me....mmmmmm....started with a slow deep penetration and quickly went into a pounding, hard fucking--my body resisted at first and then stretched to accomodate Him...good it felt SO good! i had become so aroused and wet from the events leading up to this and my body was writhing in pleasure. He had me turn over and get on my knees--ass in air--again, i felt lube dripping down my ass and pussy then pressure and pain as he entered my ass....mmmmmm. When He was deep inside my ass, it felt SO good, when He was pulling out--it stung badly...i loved the contrast. He came in my ass---felt WONDERFUL, warm, wet. He laid down on his back next to me and i proceeded to clean His cock with my mouth--the lube tasting sweet, my smell on Him, his cock softening but still fun to play with.

i was exhausted, limp, wet, sore...and i had to go back to work--life is so unfair. i peeled myself off the bed, cleaned myself up, got dressed and we got back into his van for the ride back....i was already fantasizing about the next time.

St. Andrew's Cross Continued

After slave v. got back, she took her clothes off and all three of us starting touching each other--i rubbed her clit, she kissed my nipples, DOM T., was touching us both...slave v. did taste me as did DOM T. and then DOM T. brought out his restraints. He put soft black cuffs on my wrists and ankles--they had clips which then attached to the cross. i stood in front of the cross while he clipped them on and suddenly realized just HOW restricted my movement was going to be--a little freaky actually because i had only been restrained once before and nowhere NEAR this securely. i was facing the cross, so unless i turned my head awkwardly, i could not see DOM T. or the tools he was choosing to use..the first strike stung with a fire but the pain faded quickly..i think he first used a paddle on me--i had told him i was nervous about the paddle--thought it would hurt A LOT and that is what he started me with--so very DOM-like! LOL When he switched to the whip, i LOVED it--the sting was intense but not in a wide area and later the marks the whip left were my favorite--they were VERY pretty in my eyes. From time to time, DOM T. would come around to the front of the cross and kiss me, grab me by the hair, ask me questions. Sometimes He would lash the whip against my pussy, my inner thighs. He rubbed my clit and put his fingers in me....At one point my left hand was feeling numb so He let my hands free and told me to keep them on the lower part of the cross...i was only able to keep my hands there for two lashes before i had to ask him to restrain me again..He did and laughing slightly said "You just couldn't keep your hands down could you?"--i couldn't, i needed that outside retraint to force me to submit--perhaps someday i will be a good enough sub to submit without that outside restraint but as of now i cannot submit at that level. He then picked up the riding crop, came around to my front, grabbed me by the hair and kissed me deeply, delivering three lashes to my shoulders while doing so...between the turn-on of the kisses and the pain from the lashes, i was breathless...He then went around to my back, and i felt him touching my pussy again, then He put a vibrator in my pussy--moving it in and out, then left it in place--telling me to keep it there--i heard the riding crop whip through the air but felt only a small area of skin stinging, He did this again and again..sometimes not touching me at all but the anticipation and wondering of whether the next one would strike me, where it would strike, how hard it would strike was intense and left me trembling. He then knelt between my legs and used the vibrator to fuck me...hitting my g-spot again and again...i said "ok, ok, ok" and slave v. said something to the effect that it was too much for me...DOM T. said, she didn't say her safe word so it is fine...a few more thrusts of the vibrator into me and i just could not handle more so i said my safe word and He immediately stopped, came around to my front and said "Okay, tell me what you need"--THOSE words would have brought me to my knees had i not been held fast to the cross--those kind, loving, gentle words...i cannot explain it--unless you are a sub and have experienced the relief, the feeling of safety that washes over you when a DOM respects your safe word--i said i needed a break...i was simply too stimulated and felt like a wet noodle. He granted my need and took me off the cross...i shakily sat down and realized i was incredibly wet...

It was now slave v.'s turn on the cross--she HATES being whipped...wanted her Master to have another sub to put on the cross rather than her which is how i came to meet them. Once she was secured to the cross, DOM T. picked up his larger paddle and struck her square on the ass, HARD...she was PISSED!! LOL He then moved to the riding crop and gave her a few lashes with that...i wanted to see her face when he struck her--to see what i might look like at the moment the whip or crop struck...DOM T. told me to stand by him and told slave v. to look at me...omg--she was SO angry and he had not even struck her...i asked DOM T. to not do it--i didn't want her angry with me, i love the pain so it seems foreign to me that she does not...DOM T. said that i had asked for this so it was going to happen--i felt horrible...but then he didn't strike her--and i was SO relieved! i sat back down and DOM T. gave slave v. a couple more light lashings and let her off the cross.

We sat and chatted for a few minutes--during which i suggested what i would like to do next....

to be continued....

Emotions

Being a sub is, at times, emotionally difficult...on the one hand, i want to please my DOM and know that He finds me attractive and cares about me...but on the other hand there is the constant nagging in the back of my head that He would never have had ANY interest if i had not submitted...very difficult paradox to deal with. People will tell subs that DOMs do not care at all about the sub--that they only care because they are being serviced--and i cannot argue that..at least in terms of the relationships that i have had. but i also realize that this is the case--i am not blind to this...

there are D/s couples who ARE in committed long-term relationships--i know two couples personally who are...but it is a difficult journey to find that. Such a small percentage of the population is into D/s that it is a challenge to find people who even have similar tastes much less a person who you are attracted to...and then there is the problem that often those you are attracted to are already Master's to others...sometimes Master's will take on more than one sub and then the sub has to consider what that will mean--if being one of two or more subs is something that the sub can emotionally handle...

it is hard...this fine line between knowing that the relationships that i have been in are strictly sexual and wishing they would be more but having to keep logic and sanity in my head of the reality...i like to think that these paradoxes help me to become a better sub--that learning to focus less on what kind of relationship it is and just focus on providing my Master pleasure will help me to be as submissive as possible...i keep hoping

St. Andrew's Cross

i had my first experience on a St. Andrew's Cross recently--for those who are not familiar with what a St. Andrew's Cross is here is a link to a wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Andrew's_Cross_(BDSM)

The DOM who put me on the cross is a friend---His slave, slave v., was present as well--they are a happy and connected couple who really display what all a D/s relationship can encompass. We had met to have a play session--which those of my readers who are familiar with D/s know is NOT an uncommon occurence--i suppose it is similar to meeting with friends to play cards! LOL just a LOT more fun! :)

The day started mildly, since i had never been sexual with this couple before, it had to be eased into. DOM T. began by stroking my neck, relaxing me...His slave was in the room and enjoying seeing what her Master's touches were doing to me...she asked at one point if that is how she looked when He touched her that way--it was very cute, she was obviously SEEING the pleasure that she had always EXPERIENCED. Prior to meeting for the play session, i knew that i might have trouble being sexual with both of them at once right from the beginning and had communicated this concern with the couple...both understood completely and agreed that a play time with only me and DOM T. at the beginning of the session would be fine if i needed it...slave v. even asked for money to go shopping before we started--which i knew was her way of offering to leave, but i did not encourage it because i was enjoying Him touching me while she looked on..for a short time i did really well, was able to really relax and enjoyed having slave v. present until He took my shirt off--i was still in jeans, panties, bra and cami and yet i suddenly felt like i was on display and just could not go further...i told DOM T. that i did need slave v. to leave--BOTH were VERY kind about it, very reassuring, DOM T. stayed close to me as she left which kept me feeling comfortable and safe...

when slave v. left (and since i know she is reading this :) i will go into DETAIL! LOL), He continued stroking and touching me in sensual, soft, erotic ways coupled with kissing, playful biting, etc...it was REALLY hot! i am used to being on my back or knees with a cock or toy inside me within minutes of getting sexual with a DOM--DOM T. likes to tease :) and i have to say i liked it too!! He finally took off my cami, then gave me the choice between taking off my bra or my pants--i chose my pants! LOL had been rubbing myself over my jeans with my hand and grinding into Him for a while so getting my jeans off would give me better access! LOL and that is exactly what i got! i quickly put my fingers on my clit as DOM T. continued to touch me in the MOST gentle, teasing, make-my-panties-wet, kind of way! i tried and tried to get Him to let me touch him--pulled at his shirt and tie, grabbed his dick through his pants--FUCK! i wanted to fuck him and he was NOT going to let me! :) At one point He said if i untucked his shirt that he would stop what he was doing--i stopped trying to untuck his shirt! LMAO! did NOT want him to stop, wanted him to do MORE!! Told him i just wanted to touch his skin--he opened ONE button on his dress shirt and let me feel his stomach--for a SECOND--TEASE!! FINALLY, i grabbed his hand and pulled it down between my legs, but i stopped just "north" of my clit--figuring me would slide his fingers on down--NOPE! he kept it RIGHT there where it served NO purpose and when i tried pushing his hand farther down, he smiled and said, "Nope that was where you put it!" aauuuggghhh!! lol He did then begin touching me--i was SO wet and my clit was throbbing--Dom T. likes to watch--he was paying VERY close attention to my facial expressions, my breathing, my body--i tend to keep my eyes closed a lot during sex, but everytime i opened my eyes, his would be on me--intense, kind, enjoying...

slave v. then texted to see if she should come back--DOM T. asked if i was ready and i said yes, but that i didn't want to be the only one who was naked! LOL he sent her a text back "Come back, get naked"--being the good girl she is, slave v. quickly texted "Yes Master"---gotta love a good sub!! i was nervous about slave v. seeing me with her Master--concerns about jealousy and stuff though flew out the window when she came back--she was in a great mood--talking about her GRANDMOTHER and SCRAPBOOKING of ALL things! LOL while i lay on the couch playing with myself and DOM T. was telling her about me and my expressions a little--it was the funniest and strangely sexiest conversation i have heard in a while--i like how this couple incorporates D/s into their normal life. This is a REAL relationship for them--not a fantasy or role playing relationship.

to be continued when i am not as tired! :)

Session with my Master

i had my third session with my Master yesterday--the evening before i had baited my Master--not consciously, but looking back that is what i was doing--trying to get him to beat me--trying to force his hand...but he would not have his hand forced. We had a wonderful time--deep, intimate and i was able to accomplish two things WITHOUT pain for the first time ever!!

Master was able to fist me AND we had anal sex for the first time--my Master is so kind and concerned about my body and how i feel--he took a long time to get me aroused and wet, put plenty of lube on his hand and slowly began entering my pussy with his hand--the feeling was WONDERFUL! A deep stretching bordering on pain, but on this side of pleasure. Anal with my Master was a TOTAL surprise AND incredibly HOT!! Master VERY slowly entered my ass--the slowness of his entry and by pushing against his penis as he was entering allowed me to accomodate him with NO pain--i was SHOCKED! LOL i lay there with his penis inside me in a slight state of shock that i wasn't on the verge of tears from the pain! i think i even kept saying something like "I can't believe you are in my ass and it feels SO good!!" LOL Master then came in my ass--i could feel his cock pulsing inside me as a warm feeling from his cum spread into my stomach...mmmmmm. i am proud i was able to submit to my Master for anal sex and fisting--i am DELIGHTED that i actually enjoyed both activities SO much!

On a different train of thought--i recently had a "friend" tell me that men who are into being dominant are rapists who seek to overpower young girls and destroy them for life...now--i do not believe ANY of my previous DOMs are rapists/child molesters/criminals--i am VERY careful who i submit to...but i do acknowledge that until my current Master, i was involved with DOMs who were interested ONLY in harsh domination, completely oriented on pain/sex and COMPLETE submission--don't get me wrong--especially paramedic DOM is also a VERY good man--he is just into the harsher side of DOMing...the DOM i have now though, and another DOM i know who is also a VERY gentle DOM, are SO far from that image of a rapist that it is ridiculous...i wish people would do research before vocalizing such ignorances.

Anticipating

i have a session with Master today--i was looking forward to this VERY much until last night--i pushed my Master too far, was too disrespectful--He considered discarding me, but at this point says He will continue my training...i imagine His anger will be severe today.

i have been asking Him since our first meeting to please whip me/lash me/flog me--i am craving that so badly but He wishes to move slowly into the D/s portion of our sex together--i am sub to Him in all interactions, but He has been delaying this aspect of DOMing me.

i understand His reasons and several subs have told me that this is a GOOD thing--i am not used to this and it is a struggle. A huge part of me just wants Him to force me--to force me to submit in ways that i have submitted to other DOMs in the past--to prove to Him how GOOD of a sub i can be!--but my reasons for wanting this are not completely GOOD...part of me wants to know HOW badly He will use me, how badly He wants to take what i have...and part of me is afraid to find out--that He WILL be like the others. Expectations are a bitch...

i have no idea what my punishment will be like today--i expect either extremely harsh (physically and/or emotional) or i expect that Master will dismiss me--neither would be unearned.

slave s.

Defining moment that made me sub?

i was recently asked what the defining moment in my life was that caused me to be sub...this question gave me pause. i am not sure i will ever know the complete answer to that question...

i know my love for pain in sex comes from my childhood sexual abuse...my grandfather began molesting me when i was three years old and first raped me when i was five...the strange sensations of experiencing the severe pain from the rapes and the pleasure that came with the oral sex and fondling he performed on me created a weird connection between pain and sex for me. i recently met a sub named v. and had the opportunity to ask her if she had been sexually abusd as a child..she had as well and said that she thought most subs have been--i agree with this although many subs do NOT wish to acknowledge or discuss it...i am glad that v. was open with me about her abuse and i am glad i felt safe enough to share with her that i was abused as well.

i also know part of the sub desire in me is wanting to feel safe and cocooned in a relationship...non D/s people may not understand HOW a person could possibly feel safe and cocooned in a D/s relationship, but in a perfect D/s relationship it is VERY possible...knowing that my Master would be there to MAKE me care for myself if i stop exercising or slip into my depression, would FORCE me to move past fear and intimacy problems i might have--just knowing that i will be called out on any B.S. i put up as a defense mechanism--THAT makes me feel safe and cocooned. Is it possible to have that feeling and have someone who cares enough to MAKE me do what i need to, who is NOT a DOM?? i hear that it is--i am not sure i have ever SEEN an example of that, but i hear that it is possible--LOL.

another part of being sub for me is a desire to keep myself in a sub-woman status in my mind...that may sound strange to many--even sounds strange to me...but i do not FEEL like i am a woman...i feel like i am a fairy trapped in a woman's body--LOL...Fairies jobs are to go around granting wishes, pleasing others and as a result have control and order in their lives which lets them live peacefully...sub does that for me...i am able to know that i am a good sub when my Master tells me how much i have pleased Him and feel confident that He will not discard me for another day...that gives me security in my life...peacefulness. Is it nerveracking when i purposely or accidently displease my Master? YES! Very, but often i am much harder on myself about things that i do or that happen than my DOM is..i will mentally berate myself for days for things that past DOMs have simply given me three lashes for and went about their day---but that anxiety about having displeased my Master helps me to stay in line more...frequently, i do have to back up a little and not let myself become skittish and fearful of displeasing my Master though. If i become like that then i feel like a caged animal and want to either curl up and surrender or fight like crazy to get out...i struggle with that. Master is good at recognizing the signs that i am going into that place and pulling me out of it before i crumble.

Soooo, of course once again i have no easy answer to these questions...

slave s.

A Tease Continued...

Once we arrived at the lakehouse, we immediately went upstairs...he laid out a few toys, showed me how he was going to tie my legs together at the thigh level and fuck me deeply like that...i was sitting on the bed in my work clothes...he was standing at the foot of the bed holding a whip. I asked if i could suck him off--"Yes"--i got excited--started to move towards him---"Am I GOING to let you suck me off with your clothes on?"--no, of course not--first though he did allow me to be blindfolded, then i took off my clothes--with little hesitation this time compared to the first time we were together. He placed nipple clamps on me--tight, but nice...let me put my mouth on his cock while he stood in front of me---licking him, stroking him....then ordered me to kneel on the edge of the bed and he placed a strap around my thighs, handcuffed my hands and had me place my hands on the thigh strap--asking if i would hold onto it or if he needed to tie me down...i promised to hold onto the strap, leaned over, placing my head onto the bed, ass in the air...the tension was unbearable...

he started by dripping lube onto my ass and pussy--fingering both a little and then he leaned into me and fully entered my ass with his cock...the pain was searing, burning, ripping---laying still was difficult but moving made it hurt even more so i held still, he enjoyed my ass---in and out, chuckling when i would gasp each time he pulled all the way out and went all the way back in....he then had me lay flat onto my stomach and was able to penetrate even deeper that way---i was in between pleasure and pain--writhing, wanting, needing...on the edge of bliss and tears at the same time....

he then turned me over, cuffed my hands to the headboard, secured my legs to a spread bar and began fucking with me--vibrators, dildos, clips, clamps, pain, enjoyment, whips, flogs----a mixture of torture and pleasure...

to be continued....

Some days i just think about it more

Sex is always in my mind--sometimes in the front, sometimes in the background but always in my mind. i think about sex a lot when driving--lol--not sure why, but my mind always go there--makes a road trip a LOT more interesting! :)

Lately my mind has been on sex, intimacy, pain, pleasure...all that is wrapped up in a perfect sexual experience for me! i guess we are all always searching for that perfect time--and maybe it IS always elusive to a degree, but each time i have sex, i think i enjoy it a little more than the last time--i learn my body a little better, i learn my DOM's body a little better....and THAT adds up to a great time! lol

i love being in my thirties, being single, being horny, being me--i am enjoying my life right now! We should all be so lucky!

slave s.

A Tease

Again, i want it again...WTF is wrong with me? my mind races, i drive to meet him. The second time i met with the paramedic DOM, i was JUST as scared, just as edgy as the first--actually in some regards MORE--i knew i was going to be pushed to my limits with anal play, i knew he wanted to whip me-which would have been my first whipping ever, and i knew that i wanted it too...

We went over a lunch hour--i took an extended lunch so that we would have about two and a half hours total...

again on the drive out to his lakehouse, i was immediately calmed, aroused, and anxious by being near him...he discussed various things i had told him in emails...various things he had done with other subs...he held in high regard his previous sub who could tolerate almost more whippings than he could give--she would be red and begging for more and he would be sweaty and fatigued...just listening to him talk about that turned me on...i wanted to be that kind of sub...the sub who could recieve ANYTHING a DOM could give and ask for more...

to be continued... :)

Future Plans....:)

My Master has given me a few clues about what is "in store" for me soon with Him...i am excited, horny, wanting and wet from this knowledge!! i am going to get to taste my Master's cum for the first time soon! mmmmmm the thought of my Master's cock pulsing in my mouth, tasting him---turns me on....:)

we are also going to do more anal play--i am fairly new to anal play and still find it painful at times, uncomfortable at others and intensely pleasurable when i let myself truly relax into it...i am looking forward to being able to enjoy my Master in my ass...he is quite THICK so i am also a little nervous LOL, but mostly excited and horny as hell for it!!

i have told my Master i would like Him to try to fist my pussy as well...He said that we will soon!! :) maybe if i am VERY good, He will the next time we are together?!?! :)

mmmmmmmm cannot WAIT!!

slave s. :)

On Top

Until about one week ago, i had never been on top of a man during sex...i was always VERY nervous about it--friends have told me everything from HORROR stories about the pain from i--to how GREAT it can be...the idea of sitting on top of a man and having him WATCH me have sex with him...the idea that i could come down on his penis wrong and HURT him!! LOL i was a bundle a nerves related to being on top of a guy...two previous DOMs to this one had both asked/told me to get on top of them at some point and i would not...but with my Master, i have and i LOVE it!! LOL Makes me sad that i never tried it before!

There is something incredibly hot about looking down and watching the expression on the face of my Master as i slide up and down Him. i love settling back onto him sometimes and grinding deep but slowly and then leaning forward more and moving him in and out of me quicker...love rubbing my clit on him as i move, LOVE watching his face...as i tighten my pussy around him, lean down onto him, lift up off of him, make myself and him both feel VERY good....

the first time i was on top of my Master, he handled it VERY well...i was SO nervous...AND i was on my period...and it was our FIRST time together!! OMG!! He asked me to lay on him, said that he wasn't asking to be inside me--he knew i was anxious about being on top of a man, he aked that i just lay on him, move on him, rub....so i did--i began grinding my clit on his left thigh and then moved to grinding on his hard dick---i was very wet so his dick slipped and slid against my pussy. He began to manuever his pelvis to get inside me and i did the same--and then MMMMMMMM .... it was wonderful.

Granted this position is a very vanilla position, but the fact that my Master was able to break through my trust and fear issues and help me succeed and enjoy having sex on top of him--THAT is true D/s--a Master who wants his slave to enjoy sexuality every way possible and who is willing to take a few minutes to help his slave work through the fears.

thank you Master--looking forward to next time!! :)

Ruined Coffee

i am having a lot of trouble drinking coffee or hot tea lately due to a water play experience i had a while ago with a DOM who i thought was true but was actually a player. Basically, i drank his urine as he peed into my mouth…to do that i had to keep telling myself that i was drinking hot tea, drinking hot tea…well that backfired on me—now i can barely drink anything hot without gagging. The whole experience left me feeling filthy so, i don’t think water play is in my future…although i can see the appeal of drinking my Master’s urine during a collaring ceremony or such thing, but NOT as a routine event—just NOT for me!

i LOVE coffee—good coffee…but ever since this “incident” i have to remind myself that it is COFFEE and not urine! Ugghh….i really hope that i can get over this cause i am MISSING my coffee!!

Masturbation and Self Denial

i am a masturbator..and proud of it! LOL i began masturbating when i was around eleven and have never looked back. i bought my first vibrator when i was nineteen and used it to have phone sex with my DOMME. i began experimenting with a small anal plug when i was 23 or so and until just recently ONLY had the small anal plug--NOTHING larger..now i use a graduated bead plug on a regulard basis and LOVE the feeling of the dual penetration when i put a vibrating dildo in my vagina!

Lately though, i haven't been getting very much satisfaction from masturbating--lol...almost like the intensity of sex with my DOM is SO high that i cannot come close--i still touch myself, even use toys on myself but my goal is no longer orgasm--just wetness and enjoying myself...

i think i am actually going to purposely deny myself orgasm until i am with my Master next--he encourages me to masturbate (as any good Master should! LOL) so i will need to check with him to make sure he is fine with me NOT orgasming! i think waiting will heighten my arousal even more the next time i am with my Master.

do you ever deny yourself orgasm now to enjoy more later??

Hardest Times as a Sub

i have had the chance to talk with several subs/slaves/bottoms in the past few weeks as i have been working to learn more about and meet more people interested in the D/s life. Each one has offered a different angle or perspective on subbing...i have learned something from each that i keep consciously in my mind...one thing that another sub told me was that her hardest time as a sub was immediately before being with her DOM--her DOM would be in contact with her two to three times daily--once by email, once by phone and possibly a late night email..until 24-48 hours before their next play session when he would tell her when and where they were going to meet and he would then cut off all contact until the session...she would spend the next day to two days in a near panic..unable to clarify instructions with her DOM, to express any concerns, to feel reassured. She thinks she understands WHY he does this--both a control thing and to heighten her experience...but she hates it all the same.

since i am new in this life, i have had little experience, but MY hardest time is in the day or two FOLLOWING a session...THOSE are the times when i need reassurance that everything is fine, that i pleased my Master.

What are YOUR hardest times as a sub? as a DOM?

Cutting

i am a cutter...i have not cut on myself in years, but i still crave it, still think about it often. i first purposely cut myself when i was in the sixth grade...just a single cut to my left inner arm, not even very deep--just enough to draw blood. i was fascinated by that cut, but knew if anyone found out that i had done that intentionally to myself, i would be in trouble. i didn't cut again until high school--i think i cut a total of five or six times in high school--on my left upper thigh. i got serious about cutting in my early twenties...life was in chaos at that point--my job was horrible, my relationship with my partner a mess, my relationship with my family strained, i had just bought a house and was ridiculously stressed at the responsibility--cutting centered me. i could retreat into the bathroom with my serated knife (i always preferred a serated knife--i could FEEL them more--exacto knifes, razor blades, sharp paring knives--they all just sliced through so smoothly that i didn't feel the cutting) and choose a location for my next cut. Sometimes i would slice quickly on three or four spots--shallower cuts that would bleed but not scar. Other times, i would focus on one cut--making it as deep and painful as possible, watching the blood flow for as long as i could keep it flowing...the two different types of cuts affected me in different ways--the quick, shallow cuts released anger--if i was angry, at myself or anything else, i would use the shallow cuts. When i felt numb, closed in, dark--i would make the single, deep cut...going into a kind of "trance" throughout it and feeling more alert when finished. Needless to say, i have a deep affinity for cutting. i have put only three cuts on myself since i was 24--each time i gave in to cutting because i wanted to FEEL...

i would love to include cutting in my D/s life--in four DOMs/DOMMEs, i have only had one (my first, the DOMME) who actively encouraged me to cut. The paramedic was not open to it if he had anything to do with it, but i don't think he would have cared if i cut myself. The third DOM i ever played with, was fine with me cutting myself and was looking into branding me...and then there is my Master--my true DOM...he has ORDERED me to NEVER cut..THAT is hard--by forbidding it, cutting becomes very enticing...but my Master seems to know that allowing me to begin cutting will start me on a slippery slope back to regular cutting. Depending on my desires at the moment, i either adore my Master for this hard line to cutting or feel irritated that He doesn't seem to know how GOOD it would feel...but even in irritation, i appreciate that His reasons are sound and right.

i will not cut, my Master--not for myself, but for you.

Dealing with Others

Being in the D/s life is NOT easy when dealing with other people--i have two close friends who are aware of my "bend"--both of whom are supportive to a certain degree. My one friend, who is more like a sister to me than a friend, believes that the only reason i am "into" the D/s life is to fulfill some deep seated childhood and self-esteem issues, but she is perplexed why my new Master seems to be creating calm and confidence in me rather than the chaos that she expects. My other friend simply accepts that i am involved in this and says little. i wish i could know and explain all my reasons for wanting this...and i am SURE that some ARE related to self-esteem and childhood issues--BUT i also know that when i keep my Master and submission in the back of my mind, that i am a calmer person and a nicer person. This was true in my early twenties and this is true again now...

People just cannot see past the kinky sexual stuff related to D/s--they see bondage, whipping, forceful sex, pain as NEGATIVES and an adandonment of my lesbianism/feminism. Rather than seeing that my Master NEVER does anything to me that i do not expressly allow, and that my Master is more concerned with taking care of me than fulfilling his sexual fantasies--they see Him as taking advantage of me, forcing me to do what i do not want to, etc...oh how naive people can be....

so..rather than changing the world and my friends' minds, i will seek out more friends, friends who share this "bend" with me, who understand that being sub does not weaken who i am, but strengthens who i can be....

which, eventually, will be a perfect sub.

My Master

i am in a new D/s relationship--an older, Hispanic man with a sexy slight Spanish accent. Being with Him is incredibly different than the other three DOM/DOMMEs i have been with--He is taking this very slowly, giving us time to know each other, to learn about what i need and want as a sub. This experience is SO different from my other D/s experiences that i have talked to other subs about it to make sure that this is the "right" way for a D/s relationship to start. LOL

My other D/s relationships involved meeting online, talking sexually, meeting in person, fucking harshly, receiving punishments right away. With this Gentleman (and he is a TRUE gentleman), He is slowly moving forward, exploring my body, letting me relax into Him. Sex with Him is more like making love--very connected, very aware of what i am experiencing...this is NOT what i was looking for when i answered his personal ad and yet, i am drawn to it...struggling with "do i even WANT a long-term relationship?", "if i DO, what KIND of long-term relationship?", "Is this for REAL, is He trustworthy, does He truly care?", "if he does, how could this man POSSIBLY want ME?"...and yet i cannot walk away...i am already intensely attracted to Him.

Last night, we were together for the second time. Rather than feeling nervous, fearful, and edgy all day, i was excited and happy that he was coming to my home. i went about my normal day, with the thought that He would be with me later nestled in the back of my mind. When He arrived, i met Him outside and kissed Him...i think this pleased Him and i KNOW it pleased me! We had a wonderful evening...sitting together talking, learning more about each other's backgrounds, interests, lives--coupled with kissing, gentle gropings :)...i made dinner and enjoyed watching Him eat, had a glass of wine which ALWAYS makes me hornier, when we went to my bedroom, i was excited and had NO problem feeling completely comfortable with Him. For some reason, i don't want to share the details of our sexual time--i will say that it was extremely connected, honest, arousing, intimate, and VERY HOT--let's just leave it at that! :)

When He left, i went to bed and fell into a deep sleep...god, i feel good today! This Master is real...i am safe with Him....that is a GREAT thought!

Not Even Looking!

It is funny, i never meant to get back into this life...i had been in my one D/s relationship with a DOMME in college and then gone into a seven year committed lesbian relationship--bought the house, had the "career", even had a baby together...things change, people change.

Now, eleven years after i left D/s behind...i am staring it in the face again. i was honestly just looking for some casual fantasy sex--an actual cop, paramedic or doctor--the standard rape/rescue fantasy. i wanted a man to seriously, aggresively rape me and then tend me to as a rescue worker. Now, before i continue--this was NOT smart--i was looking for a fantasy to be fulfilled without establishing a safe relationship--my entry back into this life is relatively recent, so i am continuing to process the danger that i put myself in--thank GOD it worked out, but still--be safe everyone--safer than i was.

Anyways--was sorting through about eleven or twelve different responses i received that day--had a doctor, two police officers, a young (24 years old!) paramedic, one firefighter, a military police office and a police detective along with a few men who said they could "pretend" to be anything i wanted....and He answered--teased me, wouldn't tell me which profession he was--said he was either a cop, firefighter, doctor, or paramedic and asked me to explain my fantasy--i did. Said he liked the way i thought, would i like to make this an ongoing thing--do several fantasies? Offered that he could be VERY dominate if need be...i refused to talk to him further until he offered his profession--paramedic....and he was 51, married, with children--FUCK--WHY?! i would like to say that i took the high road--lived true to my hard core lesbian/feminist upbringing from the past eleven years, but i didn't--yep, i helped a man cheat on his wife of over 25 years...why? you ask?? Because i wanted to--simple as that.

i suppose i should explain the medical/rescue worker attraction---first, i am NEVER attracted to female cops/paramedics--only male and only OLDER males at that--something about the calm, controlled demeanor that is common among the profession. He was PERFECT--looked the part, acted the part, was in LOVE with his wife, his kids---he would never be mine, but DAMN it was tempting--too tempting. i also like that medical professionals and law enforcement have force behind them--medical people must hurt you often to help you--needles, painful exams and treatments, cutting, etc...and there is the added benefit of bondage in the form of restraints! Cops have the similar appeal, but not as strong--after all they only have the restraints! LOL

The downside, He has been wounded by his work--been in it too long, seen too much to let me enjoy any of the "perks" of him being a paramedic. Fortunately, i soon realized that the calm, the control, had NOTHING to do with his profession--it was his personality. So even without being able to tap into the paramedic side of Him, i got exactly what i desired--dominated.

mmmmmmmm :)

As a College Student

i came out as a lesbian my freshman year of college...think on some level i always knew, and despite my desires to be dominated by a man, i will ALWAYS identify myself as a lesbian first. My first experience with the DOM/sub life was when i was 19, i met a DOMME who lived in Colorado, was married, with kids--basically EVERYTHING you don't want! She came to my college town about once or twice a month for business, everything else was online or on phone....

When she came to town, we would meet in her hotel room--always the same hotel, always a suite on the sixth floor--when i would arrive, the door would always be slightly ajar, she would always be sitting on the couch...the first time, i tentatively knocked, waiting for a response, hesistant and then i pushed the door open slightly, calling her name...no response. i opened the door the rest of the way and saw her--her eyebrow raised at me. She had told me that i was to come in and immediately get undressed--i never thought she MEANT that, lol. She DID. i started to say hello, blah, blah, blah--she stood up abruptly, pointed to the floor in front of her and said one word "NOW"...shit.

Naked, on my knees in front of her, my head lowered, eyes appropriately downcast...she finally spoke to me. "You are NOT what i expected...you have not obeyed a single order i gave you in preparation for coming here tonight" She was right, of course, i had assumed the online/phone stuff was just talk...hadn't really even paid attention to the orders she had given me...i do know that i failed in at least five ways before even arriving. Looking back, i am shocked she didn't order me out of the room instantly. Grabbing my hair, which was long and pulled back, she lifted my head up to look at her--pointed to the bathroom and said "Prepare yourself for me". I got up, walked quickly to the bathroom where i found Nair, a razor, red lipstick, vanilla body spray and a dildo...she knew i would not have prepared myself in advance. i started to shut to the door--the tip of her shoe stopped me--"Nope", she meant to teach me a lesson of humiliation.

i quickly read the Nair bottle, smoothed it onto every visible hair on my pussy, rinsed off my hands and realized that i would have to stand there NAKED with this horrible smelling chemical on my cunt for SIX minutes--what was i supposed to say, to do?? She stood in the doorway, arms crossed, looking a strange mix between pleased and angered. For six SOLID minutes her eyes did not leave my body. i was sweating from the anxiety of it. Wiped off the Nair, grabbed the razor, flicked off the few remaining hairs that the Nair didn't take off, set the razor down, ran my hand over my baldness and looked up at her with a smile. "Pleased with yourself?" she asked, i nodded..."Don't be"--my smile vanished. Picked up the lipstick--smoothed it on my lips, sprayed the body spray--pleased with myself for remembering the three spots she wanted it sprayed at--neck, between my breasts and inner thigh. i looked at her, questioning the next step. She nodded, stepped back, pointed to the bed. i grabbed the dildo and went to the bed. She had instructed me to deeply fuck my cunt to the point of pain before arriving. When i had walked in the door, after removing my clothes, the first thing she did was thrust her fingers into my cunt--twisted her fingers and said "No way"...then i had been ordered on my knees in front of her. Now i was going to having to basically rape myself with a large dildo in front of someone who i had first met in person only 26 minutes earlier. i sat on the bed and thought i was going to be sick, She sat in a chair at the foot of the bed, lit a cigarette and raised her eyebrow again. i laid back, my mind trying to comprehend what my body so desperately wanted but what my mind was telling me to flee. i took the awkward dildo in my hand, gingerly touched it to my cunt, met NO resistance--i was soaking wet. My body was betraying my mind. "Until I say STOP"...jesus, how long until She WOULD? My forearm was already getting tired, my pussy already feeling slightly punished...by the time the word "Stop" was uttered, my pussy felt raw, my breath was ragged and my legs were trembling. i lay there, eyes squeezed shut, sweat wetting my hair. She walked up to the side of the bed, nude now...oh GOD--women are so beautiful. The curves of the hips and breasts, the fullness of the thighs and ass. i could see her cesarean scar above a neatly trimmed patch of hair, a tattoo on her foot...

She sat on my face, not before warning me to get comfortable because She would be on me until she came...as she settled onto me, i realized that i was tasting my first woman--i had finger fucked other women, but never tasted...She was sweet. She smeared her wetness all over my face...i inhaled her so deeply that days later i would swear i could still smell her. Feeling her clit pulse in my mouth as she ground her pelvis onto my head...god, THAT was sub heaven....

A Taste

As i pulled up next to his van, i glanced over and saw a smile that i would later learn was his horny smile--deep breaths, deep breaths...getting out of the car, walking to his van on shaky legs...so scared. As soon as i opened the door though, i knew. i knew he had me. His smell was INCREDIBLE...and then he talked--a brief, "Just relax, everything is fine...just answer my questions", i nodded a consent. That first trip to his lakehouse was terrifying, exhilarating, wonderful...i had spent the past several days outlining almost every kinky, dirty thought i had ever had, detailing childhood abuse, exposing EVERYTHING--raw, exposed...i wanted honesty and i gave it. On the way out to his lakehouse, he mentioned various intimate musings that i had mentioned to him..telling me how hot he found it...asking me various questions about my past sexual history...urging me to expand on what i was telling him. He was so calm, so controlled, and SO turning me on!

When we arrived, i stepped shakily from his vehicle and followed him in--my mind screaming at me that i should not be doing this but my pussy already tingly and wet with anticipation. He showed me around, but more than that--he told me how he expected me to present myself on the bed, on the floor--showed me all the toys he had available for use on me--showed me how easily i could release myself from his handcuffs. He knew what he was doing--he was enticing me, seeing how far he could push.


The session started. Him standing close to me, asking questions, rubbing my breasts over my clothes, then he ordered me to take off my shirt..i faltered and for the first time, but far from the last that day, i saw the glint of exasperation and irritation in his eyes. i removed my shirt and bra--anything to end that look in his eyes but it ended only for a second--as soon as my shirt and bra hit the floor, my hands flew up to cover my breasts--He growled "Don't hide your body from me" as He roughly pushed my hands away and touched my nipples, knowing i craved that. He then tried a succession of clamps on my nipples--finally settling on the strongest he had...they offered the deep burning i desired, gave me pain to focus on instead of the fear. "Bend over" and then i received my first strike--harsh, but wonderful on my still-jeans covered ass. "Take off the rest of your clothes", i faltered again, panicky, shallow breathing, shaking. He relented, slightly, allowing me a blindfold to ease some of the anxiety and then promptly administering several more blows to my ass--the pain knocked me back into my senses, helped stabilize me. I removed my jeans and panties. "On yours knees, ass in the air, head down", i complied, but not without more hesitation, more fear, more internal voices SCREAMING to leave, to end this...and then i found myself with my ass in air, head in carpet, cunt almost dripping, his hands and eyes exploring, seeing everything. i quickly learned to love and hate the submit position, this position means the DEEPEST penetration, the most stinging blows and the deepest pleasure. He started with a small plug, sliding it slowly into my ass...slight stinging, nothing major...but the fear of larger plugs heightened everything...fingers on clit, in pussy, in ass...then without warning the next largest plug--quick, cutting feeling in my ass...more fear. i would pull away each time He touched my ass or my back--blind folded, with no idea what he was going to do next..all my other senses were on alert..He began pushing me back down when i pulled up or away, ordering me down...the irritation clear in his voice...my fear that He would stop is what allowed me to continue--in spite of my anxiety, my humiliation at being in such a vulnerable position in front of Him, my fear of the larger and larger plugs...my desire for the pain and the experience was so great that i was able to continue.

Leading me by the hand to the steps, guiding me since i was still blindfolded, He told me i was doing good--my heart swelled and that is when i realized that i am sub..truly. Even though i HATED some of what he had done to me so far, i LOVED that He liked doing it...i had always been into pain with sex...but this was different--this was submission and it felt right.

Once upstairs, He told me to lay on my back sideways across the bed and to spread my legs...i sank down onto the bed, laid back, and slightly spread my legs...grateful for the soft bed after being on the hard floor, briefly enjoying the way my body felt hyper sensitive to the comfort...my comfort was interrupted by His hands gripping my knees and pushing my legs apart--telling me to "SPREAD YOUR LEGS"---deep breath, deep breath...slowly relaxing my legs...exposing myself completely. The humiliation, the exposure was horrifying and erotic at the same time. He took a vibrator to my clit...pulsing, rubbing, in and out of pussy..."Take it and masturbate"--gingerly taking the large vibrator i move it along my clit--thinking He actually means for me to masturbate as i pleased....a few moments later i feel the sting of a leather strap against my inner thighs, "Put it in deeper"---i move the vibrator into my pussy--about half way in then move it back to my clit..."Be right back", i hear him walk down the steps...i move the vibrator away from my pussy--giving my overly stimulated body a chance to relax..melting into the bed...wondering how much better this will get and if i can control my anxieties enough to continue...

He walks back up the steps...i quickly thrust the vibrator back on my pussy...i am learning...still blindfolded so i can't see what he holds in his hands and then i hear the unmistakeable beep of a digital camera...i freeze, not quite POSITIVE that i heard right and then, yes, another beep. He chuckles, "Feel weird?"...feels exposed i say, embarassed..."Yes". I ask to take off my blindfold...he grants me permission. The light burns my eyes a little, reality comes back...my mind begins screaming, asking myself WHY i am doing this, WHY i want this....but my body stays wet, stays tingly, stays wanting. He moves near me, his cock is THICK..."Pull your legs back, WIDE"..FUCK...i do, not quickly enough though as he swats my ass..."PULL YOUR LEGS BACK WIDE"--in position now. He enters me...my pussy stretching in width to a tightness, a slight burning and then, pounding into me, He thrusts. My body, unaccustomed to a penis, aches..i put my hand on his lower stomach...hoping He will back off a bit...no luck--He pushes my hand away and leans forward, pushing my legs farther forward, making my hips stretch wide and enters me as deep as He can...my body concedes and begins to move past the discomfort, the fear, the intensity and moves into pure pleasure...deep, pounding, angry fucking bringing me to the edge... He thrusts roughly a few more times and then abruptly pulls out, i gasp...he chuckles. "On your knees"...i think He has GOT to be kidding--does He not realize that i was so close to orgasm and my body is exhausted? "Come on, on your knees"...i turn over, force my ass into the air, grateful He lets me rest my upper body on the bed...i feel lube dripping onto my asshole--cold, silky...a finger, then two---tightness, unbelievable stretching tightness--not pain but near...a plug--larger, i gasp--mmmmm--cutting pain, lovely...then a pain searing, burning, cutting through my ass as He pushed his cock into my ass--i cry out...my threshold has been found and anything more will send me over the edge...thankfully He waited, let my body stretch, my mind wrap around the pain knived deep into my ass, my guilt about anal easing and FINALLY just simple fullness in my ass..and then He thrusts--and i swear i will rip open, each thrust feels like a knife on my asshole and unbelievably good deep in my body--a fascinating internal contradiction...

jesus, i am sore, i try to lower my mouth onto His dick as far as i can...gagging often, feeling guilty for not doing better...i inhale and realize that his scent, his cock, his command all arouse me...even this, cleaning his cock with my mouth after he fucked my ass---even THAT was so incredibly hot to me because HE was pleased...

i was now sub