Relief

i had a realization today...i am reading Anne Rice's The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty (yes, yes, i know what kind of sub am if i have not read this before, but i have never gotten into BDSM fiction...well until the lack of a Master has created some sexual frustrations that are handled quite well through some good BDSM fiction! LOL) so anyways, i am reading this book and in it Beauty is rubbing her freshly paddled ass against a rough wall that she has been chained to...she speaks of doing this not for the pain that it caused her, but for the relief she felt when she stopped. i realized that is what i like too...that relief, that foggy, floaty, heady feeling that i get when the pain ends. i guess some might call that subspace...and maybe that is what subspace is like, but i just associate it with pain because it is the same feeling that i used to get when i would cut myself deeply. i am sure the feeling has to do with the adrenaline rush and pain hormones that are released but it is wonderful.

When i crave that relief, AKA crave pain and do not get it, i become very frustrated, not sexually as much as emotionally. Taking pain successfully, reaching the foggy, floaty place is how i know i have submitted enough..it is how i know that i have truly taken everything i could take, truly served my DOM as well as i could in terms of receiving pain. The last several weeks that my former Master and i were together we were not able to incorporate much in terms of spankings, whippings, floggings, etc...and i noticed that my pain tolerance had fallen greatly...this was such a disappointment to me, i felt worthless and horrible. i cannot wait to be with another DOM and build my tolerance back up. i cannot wait to feel my ass and thighs hot and red again. But i am being patient, trying to find a GOOD DOM, not just any DOM.

And, until i do, Beauty will keep me company. :)