Hello Again

I have been gone for quite a while...it doesn't really matter what I was doing...but I have a greater understanding on my submissive desires now...I have struggled with craving, yearning, needing to be submissive and then, on the flip side, abhoring, fearing and fighting with my need to be submissive. Is it okay for me to crave that cocooned and safe feeling that being sub gives me? Is it okay for me to crave, at times, sex so brutal that I am left in tears, sore and needing? Is it okay that this desire to be obedient and "good" seems to fly in the face of what everyone thinks I am like????

After struggling with these and so many other questions, I have decided that the answer to all these is "yes"...it may not be "common", "conservative", "nice"...but my needs are not wrong...quite often I require pain to feel anything remotely resembling pleasure and that is OKAY...sometimes I want to feel like a victim, feel used, feel belittled and that is OKAY...it is OKAY that I enjoy sex, that I want sex, that I need sex and to be used sexually in order to feel complete...that is OKAY...sexuality is normal...humans tendencies to supress sexuality is not....

So there! :)

Thank You Wayne and Paul

i am writing this as an open letter to Wayne and Paul--the two sweetest, kindest, most caring DOMs (and also two of the kinkiest!) that i know.

Wayne and Paul--

As You both know, i have been struggling lately with depression. The sadness of a variety of things has been overwhelming me and making me question so many things about myself and my future. Thank You both for what You gave me today--Wayne, for pullng me back, helping me feel sexy with Your words, reminding me of my worth as a submissive...Paul, thank You for being a really great friend, an honest and true man, for reminding me time and again that herpes does not have to mean the end to sexuality. Thank You BOTH for being REAL DOMS who know when the time to be flirty, kinky, sexual, and "typically" DOM is and when is a time to cocoon me and help me feel safe, comfortable and secure in my presence with You....

i love You both,

s.

Wondering

Do you ever wonder if anyone would even notice if you were gone? If disappearing from work, friends, family, etc would cause more than a minor blip in other people's lives--a blip that would easily be remedied? What do you do when that feeling begins to close in, to feel like a darkness settling around you? When disappearing feels like it would be a breath of fresh air?

A guy that lives by me just disappeared--he didn't show up for work on Monday, left his apartment unlocked with a note inside saying that he couldn't work anymore because he was too sick...telling his friends they could take any of his belongings that they needed. And he drove away. No one knows where he is, if he is still alive, anything...he simply walked away.

Temptation

i am experiencing my first temptation since being diagnosed...a DOM friend of mine, who i have played with twice before, has said that He would provide me a pain release through flogging, whipping, etc if i wanted. This seems like a no-brainer..we would not have sex, i would get my pain release and be left with beautiful marks...but it is not that simple. For one, i may have exposed this man to herpes without knowing it--i have told Him this so my concern is that He would use the chance to give me a pain release as a means of retaliation...i don't THINK He would, but that fear is nagging in the back of my head. The second reason is i think it would be really awkward and hard to not be sexual--i will feel guilty receiving the pain release and providing Him nothing...i have asked what He would like in return, but have not heard an answer yet. Third, i am afraid that He or i will be so concerned about POSSIBLY spreading the herpes to Him that i will not be able to relax enough to enjoy the pain.

Problem is i REALLY crave pain at times...and WANT to do this SO bad, but my conscience is telling me not to. i know that not getting a pain release is at least part of what ended my relationship with my former Master...my former Master never seemed to understand the need for pain, and never understood how to take me from pain to pleasure...THIS FWB DOM does...i just have to decide if i can do that with Him again given the circumstances.

Useless

i recently found out that i have contracted genital herpes...the origin can never be specifically pinpointed but i have my suspicions. i have never had any problems like this before...not a single yeast infection, not a single bacterial vaginal infection, nothing...and suddenly my genitals are diseased with a lifelong virus that will pop its head up as a reminder of my filth from time to time. It is amazing how this is effecting me...masturbating is suddenly risky, playing with others is out of the question, my worth as a submissive is in question....i wish more than anything that i could turn back the last few months, that i could return to when i never thought about D/s, to when i was content being asexual...life was simpler then and far less sad.

Glow

After a very good pain session, i feel successful, proud, glowing...last night i played for the first time since my former Master dismissed me. i played with a DOM friend who i have played with once before. This time was very different from the first.

When He arrived, He told me to strip everything off, get on my knees and begin sucking His cock. As i began sucking Him, He took His belt and started lashing me on my ass and pussy. It had been several weeks since i had had ANY pain and a few months since i had had a high level of pain. The lashes provided that wonderful mix of pleasure and pain that all masochists seek. He then had me lie on my back and spread my legs and pussy lips and He began lashing my exposed pussy while fucking my face...the pain at times became very intense and i would close my legs only to spread them again a few seconds later to take more lashings...then He ordered me onto my knees and began caning me...my first time with a cane. It was WONDERFUL!! The sharp, centered pain made me grow very wet.

He ordered me onto my bed and began fucking my pussy, using the cane on my breasts at times. When He grew tired of my pussy, He had me lay my head over the edge of the bed and began fucking my throat while intermittently caning me, pinching my nipples, telling me what a whore i am. Then He said that He had brought a stun gun with Him...asking me if i wanted that...i said i did not know. i DID want it, but was scared of wanting it! He brought the stun gun in and used it on the back of my thigh...the first shock was painful, but not horrible. The second shock was to my left inner thigh..VERY painful, i begged Him to stop but instead He ordered me back on my knees, legs spread and put the stun gun on my pussy. It felt like fire was burning through my cunt...thankfully He stopped at that point, ordering me to the living room and began using a more rigid cane on me. My back and ass were so tender already that i could only tolerate about ten blows before i was begging, sobbing, pleading with Him to stop...He did after a few more blows and ordered my mouth onto His cock again.

It was a great time...i think i shocked Him a little with the intensity of my emotion--LOL--but it felt REALLY good to have that release, to give up like that...i contemplated using my safe word a few times, but held back and i am so proud that i did! i didn't get Him off, unfortunately, He claims He is "notoriously difficult" to get to cum, but that still leaves me feeling frustrated with myself. But i know i tried hard..especially the last time i had my mouth on His cock so i have to be pleased with myself for that.

the relaxation i feel today as a result is EXACTLY what i needed.

YAY for pain! LOL

Relief

i had a realization today...i am reading Anne Rice's The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty (yes, yes, i know what kind of sub am if i have not read this before, but i have never gotten into BDSM fiction...well until the lack of a Master has created some sexual frustrations that are handled quite well through some good BDSM fiction! LOL) so anyways, i am reading this book and in it Beauty is rubbing her freshly paddled ass against a rough wall that she has been chained to...she speaks of doing this not for the pain that it caused her, but for the relief she felt when she stopped. i realized that is what i like too...that relief, that foggy, floaty, heady feeling that i get when the pain ends. i guess some might call that subspace...and maybe that is what subspace is like, but i just associate it with pain because it is the same feeling that i used to get when i would cut myself deeply. i am sure the feeling has to do with the adrenaline rush and pain hormones that are released but it is wonderful.

When i crave that relief, AKA crave pain and do not get it, i become very frustrated, not sexually as much as emotionally. Taking pain successfully, reaching the foggy, floaty place is how i know i have submitted enough..it is how i know that i have truly taken everything i could take, truly served my DOM as well as i could in terms of receiving pain. The last several weeks that my former Master and i were together we were not able to incorporate much in terms of spankings, whippings, floggings, etc...and i noticed that my pain tolerance had fallen greatly...this was such a disappointment to me, i felt worthless and horrible. i cannot wait to be with another DOM and build my tolerance back up. i cannot wait to feel my ass and thighs hot and red again. But i am being patient, trying to find a GOOD DOM, not just any DOM.

And, until i do, Beauty will keep me company. :)